IKEA: Torment your customers and they'll love you?

Stephen Brown, one of my favorite fellow academics whom I adore and admire personally and love to hate professionally, wrote an October 2001 Harvard Business Review article "Torment Your Customers ( They'll Love It)." I find this whole thing appalling, although I begrudgingly admit he has a point. Right now I'm cursing my friend (if I can be so presumptuous), as I am sure someone at IKEA as become an disciple of Stephen...particularly the bit about "Retromarketing eschews the modern marketing proposition by deliberately holding back supplies. You want it? Can't have it. Try again later, pal."

I have been trying to buy a 63" GALANT table from IKEA for almost two months. I know, I know, Yoda says, "There is no try. There is only do." Well, there's definitely lots of doo-doo involved, but not the young Jedi Knight type.

All I want is a nice long table for my home office. Currently, things get a little crazed when I'm working on an article, as I don't have nearly enough room to be spreading stuff out in an organized manner. My fancy desk/armoire thingy is very cool, but the iMac is in it, along with printer, etc. No real room.

Tables aren't cheap, but the little 63" number at IKEA is only $169.00. With shipping, it'll be $300+, but that's OK. I love IKEA products for their simplicity and, ironically, the table is still cheaper than any comparable table I can find locally.

On August 19th, I ordered the table on-line. I received an e-mail that stated, "Your order information appears below. Due to a high volume of orders, we will contact you to confirm your order with the details about your delivery and total cost within 5 - 7 business days." OK, this is not exactly Amazon type interaction here...but I'll wait.

Then, exactly 7 business days after I placed my order, I received a note from Barb at IKEA:

Hello Gary, [excuse me, isn't this a bit familiar Barb?]

Thank you for your recent e-Shop order.

Unfortunately, as of 8/30/05 13:42:00 the following items are out of stock: Galant frame 63"

Since we are unable to complete your order as it was submitted, your e-Shop order has been cancelled. For information on how to place a backorder, please contact Home Shopping directly at (800) 434-4532. A Sales Advisor in this department will be more than happy to assist you.

We apologize for any inconvenience, and we thank you for visiting IKEA online.

Best Regards,
BARB
IKEA e-Shop Sales

Hmmm - yea Barb, that's a bit inconvenient. Actually, I am not a happy lad.

Today, thirty-nine days later, I'm trying to rewrite an article at home and I'm thinking, "Get over yourself. How about calling IKEA to get that table?"

One ringy-dingy, two ringy dingy... OK, I'm in to the phone system. This isn't getting any easier, I've got a perky Scandinavian sounding young person telling me to push this button or that button. I think it was a guy, but he/she was so damn perky, he/she is kind of generic...no worries...interactive voice response (IVR) systems don't have a gender anyway. (Note to people who insist on making their customers play number puzzle games in their IVR system - I have a damn wireless phone without a Borg Bluetooth headset, so please let up on the thumb calisthenics...)

Anyway, I somehow got lost enough to be placed in the clueless people queue, waiting for a customer service representative...for twenty minutes!! This is definitely not going well...

I finally get a very nice customer service lady on the phone. I ask her if my order number from August 19th, with all my data in it, would expedite our time together. She says it definitely would help. I read it off and - of course - it's not in her system! OK, I think there's a conspiracy.

So, nice lady asks me what I would like to order (thank goodness she didn't take all my data first). I tell her about the 63" GALANT table.

Pause...

"I'm sorry, I can't order that for you. You must call the business group to order that. They don't work weekends, so you'll have to call back on Monday."

AAGGGHHHH!!!

I respond, "Wait. Seriously. There is only one number on the IKEA page and the GALANT stuff comes up with with everything else. Are you telling me you can't sell it to me?"

Nice lady says, "No, I cannot sell it to you. There are options I don't know about. You'll need a specialist."

Exasperated, I ask nice lady, "Well, is there a specific number I can call to get a hold of these people on Monday? I've been holding for twenty minutes. I'd hate to have to do that again on Monday."

Nice lady states, "No, there's just one number. The phone system will ask you whom you want to speak with. Is there anything else I can help you with?"

I think I said, "No, thank you. Have a nice day." But I may have said something really snarky, like "Apparently not."

Will I call on Monday? Stephen Brown would think so. Unfortunately, I think he's right... I still need a table and I've become completely insane about a 63" GALANT table from IKEA...